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Posted by J Kel |
This article was submitted by Heine Nzumafo
Continued from ......... The Art of Raising Kids - PART II
How open are you with your kids?
Kids generally grow to be closer to the guardian who is most open with them. Who expresses their emotions, shows them how they feel and what they feel. Of course you want your kid to know you’re strong and in control, but if you’re down there’s nothing wrong with letting your kid empathize with you. They need to know what those feelings mean early in life. Mommy or daddy is tired means they need to sleep. If they learn that early they can respect that. Mommy or daddy has no money. Well, I know I also used to see my moms empty wallet, but I never saw my dads. So if he told me he had no money, I was less likely to believe him.
Transparency builds a two way communication. It’s not good however, to be too open. Do not show degenerative emotions around kids. Like anger or violence. They adopt the same outlets and get violent at school and with others. Then you wonder why they are acting up in school. If you work too hard, explain your lack of presence to them, otherwise, they will resent you for being away. Kids seldom act up without reason. They reflect what’s going on inside.
So if your kid retreats or acts out or behaves socially inadequately, you need to check the emotions that surround the child and try to limit those degenerative and negative emotions. How you do it is the artistic part of it all, but the goal should be to limit their presence as much as possible. TALK to them about everything. Listen to them, validate them and let them validate you. You don’t want them to grow up looking for love and attention and validation in all the wrong ways and places.
How often do you let them fail?
This is one area that needs a lot of skill and balance. Coming to a kids rescue too quickly may be just as damaging as not coming at all. It’s okay to let a three year old struggle with a shoe lace, even if you are running late. If you must, be tactful about doing it for him or her, lest you accumulate a lot of negative points. Kids need to be validated when they do something right and need to be comforted when they fail. If they continue to fail, you can come to their rescue, but let them know they can try next time.
If you abandon them, they lose trust and confidence and lose the zeal to learn. If you do not let them do anything for themselves, they lose creativity and initiative. It’s never too early, but it’s good to show the love and attention in a positive way that builds the esteem of the kid. Adults need to guide and direct. If they are working on a puzzle, give them cues. That’s still the same as doing it with them. They see your interest and reap positive returns from that. They struggle by themselves and learn persistence. Nothing is too little. But they do not have to settle for mediocrity.
Do not settle for excuses, lest they forever seek the easy way out, and do not make excuses from them either for the same reason, An adult needs to show them the higher potential beyond their accomplishments however poor or good while applauding their efforts and their achievements. And it starts when they are toddlers, trying to figure out their A, B and C’s. Often, parents and guardians wait till they are teens before telling them what getting an A means.
Don’t they always say “it’s mine!”?
Amazing is it not, how early they learn the words. But “yours” for some reason they learn a lot later. Possession starts in the later part of their first year, once they start identifying with their primary care giver. Then it increases to separation anxiety and then possession of what they desire. To them desire equates to ownership. It’s not right to the child to indulge in their desires. They grow up expecting everything to be handed to them, from grades to jobs, and blaming everything and everyone for their losses.
Kids should be taught to share. And if they don’t sometimes you just have to make them. By sharing early in life they learn to value life itself. Children are most possessive when they fear losing what they have got. It’s a sign of insecurity. Love shows them the abundance of everything, and once they believe everything is in abundance sharing becomes a joy. It starts with the sharing of time, attention, affection and love. Give them what ever you give them freely and wholeheartedly, and they will believe in its abundance. It may be little, it may be less than you want to give them, but the capacity of love is infinite. If that is the projectile, it will sow rich seeds.
In earnest, it’s not been easy writing all these. There are so many spins and so much to say. I could go on and on. For the sake of brevity I have limited myself, nonetheless hoping that I have added some meaning to your understanding. I have tried not to make direct reference to my four initial ingredients – Love, attention, discipline and direction but I hope that in reading, you can connect the issues discussed with the four fundamentals.
Children ask questions a lot for example, most often when you lack the time to give them answers. If you respect their curiosity, you won’t shut them up all the time and hamper their intellectual development. I am sure you could come up with many more scenarios and situations. But in every situation, there is a degree of respect, love, discipline and direction that will be most effective and beneficial to them down the road, in their teenage and adult years.
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