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Posted by J Kel |
This article was submitted by Heine Nzumafo
Continued from...... The Art of Raising Kids - PART I
Does your child want what you want?
You love apple juice so that’s what you buy for your child. You play football so that’s what your child has to play. Children have a mind of their own. They are their own person. As an adult we have to observe them and give them options to choose. Children naturally will jump around from one interest to another. It’s part of their development. So don’t be mad if they cried for a piano last Christmas and don’t play it after a month, or all of a sudden want a guitar.
The best approach is not reproach. In all situations it’s nice to talk, encourage dialogue. But that can be only if you respect their opinion. They have a right to like A or B or not want A or B. Encourage kids to make choices and decisions, then hold them to the decisions they make. It teaches them accountability and responsibility. It also builds their self-esteem and confidence, builds trust in your relationship - tools they need for teenage and adult years. But in all choices they make you need to stay informed as to why. Make them explain to you their rationale. Add your own two cents, but do not decide for them. Yes, I’m talking of two year olds too!
The more input you add, the more they will come to you for advice. That builds trust. A kid won’t obey one they don’t trust and one who does not respect their individuality. The more they come to you, the more influence you have (not control) over the kid. All that will come in handy when they grow up, you won’t have to fight for control and information; they will open up, because the foundation is there. It starts when they are two, three years old, and it either gets better or worse but that’s on you, not them!
What do you do or say, what do you watch, what do you read?
The younger a child the more they are a reflection of their immediate guardian, because obviously, they’ve had minimal impact from external sources. I know this lady who has two kids. At the time, the girl was five and the boy was two. Cute little kids in fact, sharp as most others. I was on the phone with their aunt one day and she recounted an incident.
She was about to change his diapers when his older sister said to her “auntie, he will tell you to kiss it”. “Kiss what?” Auntie inquired. The little girl answered “his wee-wee”. Auntie paid little attention and proceeded as intended. “Of course in the middle of it all, the little boy pointed to his wee-wee and said “auntie kiss it”. She thought it was cute until I asked her how she would feel when he starts going to day care and asks his care-givers to kiss “it” or when he goes to kinder-garden and tells little girls to kiss “it”.
Obviously he got the image from some where, and in his own innocent way, figured it was a kiss. What we do is what they will do. Do not curse and then tell your child not to curse. You lose credibility in the eyes of your child, you lose their trust and of course their control. They’ll resent you and you wonder why. Of course there are some limits. If you’re drinking alcohol for example, they’ll want to drink too.
Instead of saying NO emphatically and causing all kinds of negative results (depending on the kid), explain to them why they can’t have your drink. Give them the option to take something instead. It could be any treat of their choice, but you decide how much they get. You keep them happy, keep their trust, show them respect and love and also teach them in a way that makes them know you have their interest at heart.
When do you give time-outs, or smack or punish?
This is one area where few adults have balance. Either they are all for punishing, or time-outs or smacking. Kids will be kids. And that means they will be bad. But many times they have reason to be. Sometimes they don’t. If a child misbehaves in public or school or even at home, the situation should be dealt with as early as possible, because they forget. But they don’t forget your loose grip.
They will get worse. If you wait too long before disciplining a toddler, their understanding may be blurry and resentment, anger, and everything else may build up and your effort becomes counter productive. It’s best to act as soon as you can. If you are in public, do not discipline them in public lest you hurt their little egos. That builds resentment against you, another counter-productive measure. Communicate your disapproval, remind them as often as you can, then deal with it in private.
That communicates respect for them and also stamps your authority and control. It also gives them time to think about their actions and value the consequences of their actions. But before deciding what course of action you take, talk it through with them, and make sure they understand where they went wrong. Make them promise and agree to what the punishment would be the next time it happens. Now you have to execute your punishment. If time out is for 5 minutes, no whining and crying should make it less.
A three year old may not know what 5 minutes is, but they can see the hand of the clock move from one number to the next. Show them and let them know that you are sticking to your terms. Next time, they would think twice before they act. If you don’t you just lost some control and that’s not good. Never go back on your word in a matter to do with discipline, even if all hell is breaking loose. But of course, the punishment should be suitable and within reason, even if it’s a smack or two – best if it is for a repeat offence.
Continue to..... The Art of Raising Kids - PART III
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