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Posted by J Kel |
This article was submitted by Heine Nzumafo
Continued from .... Meeting her parents - PART II
Years after I moved to the U.S I was dating this lovely girl who lived in Maryland while I lived in New York. I had talked to her sisters, met a few and got along with them. She told me her mom had come to visit, so like any good friend would, I called to say welcome. “Who are you?” I told her my names, where I was calling from. “I don’t know you” She snapped. “No you don’t”, I confirmed, “but I am friends with your daughter and she told me you were coming, so I called to say hello and welcome”. The only excuse I could make for her attitude was that the jet lag had left her a lot more moody and unfriendly than usual. I had been warned though. “I think I heard one of them mention your name. I don’t let my daughters see anyone I do not know. I don’t know you and I don’t know your parents”.
I was speechless – and that doesn’t happen too often. My mouth remained open for I don’t know how long. I was a little upset too, but I gathered myself quickly. I was so determined to make a point and I knew exactly what. “Well, I’m sorry you feel that way”, I started, “But you are not here when your daughter worries about her school, her fees, her job and even about you. If God forbid something happens to you, who do you think will attend the wake-keeping, only men you know?” I didn’t stop. “She’s decent, very well directed and family oriented. I like that. I am friends with all your children. I wish you a nice stay, and I am sure I will see you before you return, because I will be coming down to the area soon” That was all I had to say. She was quiet. I said goodnight.
Three weeks or so later, I went down to visit. I wasn’t sure how she was going to welcome me, but I had to do the right thing, which was to say hello. As old as my girlfriend and I were, there was no need to do it any other way, at least not to me. I stopped by with two other friends. She figured who I was before anyone introduced me. “You must be Heine”, she said, with little or no feeling. “Yes I am.” I answered as I walked closer to her. She extended her hand for a handshake. I smiled and said “I’m sorry but it has to be a hug”. I gave her a hug and told her I came by to say hello and welcome. I made myself comfortable. I asked the necessary questions about her visit. That was enough for a decent exchange. I told her I was glad to see the mother of all the decent young ladies she had for daughters. That was the warmest smile I had from her. I figured it was time for me to go. The barrier was broken. That was over seven years ago. She still asks about me each time she visits or whenever she hears about someone suspicious even though she knows we are no longer together.
Parents love their children very much, unfortunately though, not all parents are good parents in many aspects. Some just don’t know how to be and give the wrong impression to their children. Their children grow up not understanding the reason behind most of their actions and decisions. That can cause rebellion and resentment, which doesn’t always lead the child down a positive track. However, the best way to break the ice is to validate their parenting efforts. They spend their lives and so much energy raising their children so usually feel very appreciative of any good feedback. But it best be genuine, and true, because they know their children more than any outsider would, including the boyfriend (or girlfriend). They can smell fakeness from a mile away.
What has worked for me is giving them feedback about their children that makes them feel proud for them – True constructive feedback that they can agree with. It reassures them of my good intentions. I speak freely and confidently. No parent wants their daughter with a boy or man who cannot express himself sufficiently or who is full of doubt and uncertainty. It doesn’t matter how young you two are. The only difference is that the older you get, the more chance they give you to prove yourself. But whether they give you or not, if you seize it and leave a good mark, they’ll gladly give you time and space with their daughters.
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