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Posted by J Kel |
This article was submitted by Heine Nzumafo
You know, we spend so much time thinking about ourselves in relationships that we fail to wonder what the product will be, how we would relate to them and how our partner will relate to them. What happens when one shows up? Well then, many things could happen between the people involved but the product, the child, only grows older. Time flies by and soon the child starts acting up in school, gets violent and angry, starts performing poorly in school, and the list goes on. What we really need to understand is the real reason behind the actions of our children and the children around us and not necessarily the gravity of the action.
A friend of mine was busy cooking one Saturday because her family was coming over for diner. She is a single mom and you can imagine what she has to go through on any given day. Well, it as it appeared, it was not a very good day between her and her son. He seemed to be in her way at every twist and turn. Every other word of his seemed to be mommy. He was not interested in cartoons or anything you would expect a 3 year old to take interest in. He just ran around making a mess of everything within sight and reach. I called her while she was cooking; it did not take long for me to realize what the matter was. He started singing really loud and making a lot of noise. She didn’t know why but to me it was a sign that he didn’t want her on the phone. So I asked to speak to him and asked him a few simple questions. He was happy to talk to me. “Are you having fun?” I asked. His response was an emphatic no! I asked why not and he stayed silent. Well, at 3 he should find it hard expressing himself right? So I helped him out. “You miss your mommy?” You’ll be surprised that his answer was a resounding yes. Now how could that be?
She had gone all week, juggling school and work and the only time she spent with him was either putting him to bed or taking him to school in the morning, all week. Now Saturday comes, shouldn’t he want to do things with her? Shouldn’t he want her attention especially since she is at home with him? Well yes of course, but he couldn’t say that, and besides, mommy was too busy running around she couldn’t see the real reason behind his actions. So what did I do? I asked her to invest just a few minutes of her busy day. My advice was that she read a book to him and to watch a cartoon with him and to call me when she was done. After only 30 minutes she called me back, a lot happier. He was happy and smiling and had accepted the juice he had earlier refused. But he was still in the kitchen, getting in her way. That to me was too easy to resolve. Just give him something to do that is related to what you are doing! “If you are slicing onions and other ingredients, give him garlic to help you with, I guarantee it will take him all morning and he will quietly continue to try. And please remember to keep the knife away from him.” She did just that and she accomplished two things. She kept him off her back even if she had to do some cleaning up after him and secondly, he accomplished a task which he could be proud of, build his confidence not only because he did it, but because he actually helped mommy cook. He’s worth something! That’s how he felt and that’s how they build their self-esteem. They need it, lest they grow up and find millions of wrong ways to get it.
continue to ...... Understanding the Product of Relationships - PART II
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