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Posted by J Kel |
This article was submitted by Heine Nzumafo
continued from .... It Could Be You! - Part I
We need to understand that victims of abuse, no matter the extent of the abuse, have all been robbed of something - their self-esteem. My friend believed she was fat and ugly and of course could not accept compliments, because she did not believe in her appearance. Yet she yearned for validation and appreciation from her husband that never came. She was afraid of being looked upon as a failure. Because her entire family saw him as the perfect man, she was defeated before attempting to expose the true nature of their relationship. She could not even trust her ability to convince them yet she excelled at school and work, and might I remind you, Psychology too. The more I talked to her, the more she revealed to me her understanding of all the psychological issues that plagued her, yet even her own education and professional experience could not give her the strength and resolve to tackle her abusive situation properly so what more of the uneducated, unaware, non-psychology professional like most of us.
I learned a lot about dealing with abuse victims from this close friend of mine. Most often, abuse victims reach out for support and help from friends and family, but every attempt is met with heavy criticism, insults, disapproval and everything else in between. Where does a weak person draw strength from, when every attempt to rise has a compounding shattering effect on their self-image? What good does it do them, when you call them stupid? What good does it do them, when you call them weak or foolishly in love? So many times these words are thrown into whatever advice they get. That’s like giving poisoned food to a hungry man. What’s the use? I realized that I helped my friend through her situation not by advice or counsel, not by encouragement or wisdom, but just by being there. Most often than not, abused victims know exactly what they need to do to get out of the situation. It’s just the element hope blended with determination to change things and fear that keeps them living through each day. So many times she visited me after spells of abuse not willing to talk about anything and slowly, I learned not to press for information. I did my best to distract her from her thoughts and mood, often by chattering away. When she felt comfortable, she divulged different options and approaches she would take to remedy the situation. Most of them needed time, a few years or more.
Often she failed in her execution. Each failure seemed to take back all the growth and progress. If you have ever been addicted to anything, then you may understand the dynamics. It’s not easy. The last thing these people need is more negativity from the people they love and trust who can support them and help them through. But with time she rose above the difficulty. It did not take her that much time in retrospect, only 3-4 years. But so many others die before that time. Others stay trapped even longer, raising kids whose lives are testimonies of the abuse that marred their upbringing. The element of hope keeps some women waiting, failing with every attempt to leave. Hopes that one-day, he will change back to who he used to be. The bad news for people currently in such a situation is that people DO NOT change. They only settle into who they really are!
Abusive men can be hard to spot. Some are more obvious than others. But it is possible to pinpoint what tendencies are abusive and put an end to them before they bear fruit. You see abusive people are like children. They test you and push your buttons just to see how far they can go. And they would take advantage of every bit you give them. So if a man pushes you and you go about blaming yourself and apologizing for what you do not even know, be prepared next time for a pinch, then a slap, and then even more. But you can stop it before it get that far. Do not mistake control and possession for affection and love. Many do and find themselves trapped in a breathless relationship. You cannot stop the little that exists but you can stop it from growing. We all have bad tendencies to varying degrees and the people we date will have theirs too. We cannot make them disappear, but we can stunt their growth and development. It starts with the acknowledgement of the problem. So refrain from fooling yourself. What you see is what you see, what he does IS what it is.
Unfortunately, some people go from one abusive relationship to the next. That usually happens when they go from one relationship to the next without healing of dealing with the abuse of the previous. So next time you tell yourself you are staying for the kids, bear in mind that you are setting them as abusers or prone to abuse. What good is it then? It’s best to leave. Because abuse usually rids people of their esteem, it takes rebuilding of self-esteem to break the cycle. The emotional dependency of an abused person makes them more inclined to seek validation and have a sense of security from possessive, oppressive, controlling individuals. The good news is a person does not need another to build their self-esteem. Most of our self-esteem comes from within, especially in our adult lives. So if we do things that we know for a fact we deserve praise for, we validate ourselves and that builds us. Only then does the validation of another have meaning and add to our reserve. So those low in self-esteem do need not wait on father figures, or boyfriend or brother. Find a hobby, or a job, or a class, or service that uplifts your spirit. Do more and more and more of that. Find other such activities and do more. Prayer and exercise have proven to work as well. Bottom line, it is all in you, look in no other!
I sincerely hope that we all can appreciate other people problems just a little bit more. Our ability to deal with a problem or solve a problem does not always imply everyone should be able to. Might I add, it doesn’t take away the difficulty of the problem. So if you are inclined to spot abusive men and get rid of them before the abuse gets to you, do not think your defenses are full-proof to perfection, because I have noticed that those who believe they are least likely to fall, fall the hardest. My dear friend was one of such. It took her 5 years in a relationship to find out she was as vulnerable as most others. Ask yourself how long you had been dating last time you broke up with a man you thought was or could be abusive. You probably did not love him then. It probably was not long enough. So please, stop bashing your friends, sisters and mothers, you do not know the half of what they are going through. Listen to them, distract them, be a companion, keep them company. They know what they need to do. They need you to be there for them while they do that. It’s a tricky world. Don’t say it could never happen to you, the person you are bashing probably said the same. So be mindful.
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