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Posted by J Kel |
This article was submitted by Heine Nzumafo
Even the most negative people fall victim to certain illusionary beliefs, especially when it comes to abuse. Ever wonder about why a friend of yours sticks with her boyfriend even though he hits her? Ever think about your mother taking the abuse for years and asking her why she did not leave? Ever contemplate why some people move from abusive relationship to abusive relationship? Many of us have had such thoughts; many of us have sisters, friends, and mothers battling abusive relationships. Some of us are in abusive relationships, either as abusers or abused, while many of us are yet to experience the deplorable realities of abuse. I have a message for you; IT COULD BE YOU!
Before I proceed, allow me to aver that men do suffer from abuse. Men however will shy away from exposing the abuse they suffer. The extent though, is far less than the extent to which women are abused. Statistics in the United States state that every 30 seconds a woman is hit somewhere in the country. I doubt the statistics deviates much more in other parts of the world. Something has to be done. The law in many places does not do enough to protect victims, and unfortunately many cultures don’t, especially us in Africa. In Africa a woman is expected to bear it all in her marriage. A woman is blamed for walking out on her marriage with little consideration given to why she did or what the man’s role is in the situation. I can go on an on about the truth about society’s view on relationships, but that in fact will deter me from the point I want to make. It could be you and it could be you for several reasons.
How many of us have ever gotten mad at the person we are involved with in the beginning of the relationship? Even if we have, how soon do we forgive, forget and move on with the honeymoon? The first and most important fact of abuse is that abuse takes time. It does not start the moment you meet your boyfriend. It takes months if not years. You do not see it coming. How often do we defend those we love? Do we not most if not all of the time? So it should not be surprising that a woman who has been battered and abused still defends the man she loves. Fact: Even weak women with low self-esteem can walk away from an abusive man – but only when they are not yet in love. It can happen to everyone, but just like hypnosis, it takes longer with some people while with others it’s as easy as A B C.
I have a good friend of mine who in fact just finished her Doctorate, in interestingly enough, in Psychology. Brilliant, sharp, beautiful and loveable, the kind of woman who is assertive, sure of herself, very presentable and seems to be able to get any man she wants. When I met her she had a cute little one year old, married to a good looking gentleman who seemed to have everything going his way. They had been married for two years and together for about five. On the outside there was nothing to worry about. She was a mess on the inside. It started after she got pregnant. He started cheating on her, and then after the baby, he called her fat. The verbal abuse took its toll over time. By then she was already wrapped up more than emotionally. She was married and with a son. He did not immediately start hitting her. He started by squeezing her arms, then twisting her fingers and over then hitting started. Many times she moved in with her mom, who happened to live not too far away. And each time she went there her mom urged her to go back (she hid the physical abuse from her mom, all her mom knew was the cheating and verbal abuse) Her moms argument was, he was a good father, paid the bills and did a lot more than other men would to her.
So why did it take three years for this girl to be able to leave this man? It is easier said than done. She stayed in it for her son, and for the financial security. I’m glad she got out as soon as she did, because it took my mom over two decades to realize nothing was going to change and all the effort for the children was not even worth it because we the children wanted otherwise. Some women make it to the grave without leaving, and most often, the abuse is responsible for their death. Women always want this or that for their children, but they fail to understand that it is better for a child to grow up with limited financial resources than with emotional deprivation and psychological setbacks.
Abusive people are possessive and controlling. Most often, it is easy for these signs to be missed. Very many people could mistake their possessiveness for affection and love. But possessiveness and control are signs of grave insecurities and definitely abuse, especially if the person in question is hot tempered. Like I said before it usually takes time. So over time, this possession and control causes victims to be strained from most important relationships like close friends and family. Basically, their emotional support system is weakened to the extent that they become highly dependent on the person that abuses them. They spend every bit of energy trying to make things like they used to be before. Like everything else, abuse is seasonal, so during the good times they forget the bad and during the bad, the hope and pray and wait for the good.
continue to .... It Could Be You! - PART II
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